i guess i'm starting to grieve

I JUST WANT THIS OVER WITH!!!  ... the cramps are coming and going... i want the test done tomarrow i wanna know if i am still growing a baby or waiting for the ugly to start. I DEFF am not looking foward to the pain and ucky blood/clots and nasty mess. I am just MADDD so FREAKING mad. I stsill have my infertiilty appt on friday and i am keeping it. Sick of the the 3.5 periods a year and the miscarriages then the ONE pregnancy out all of them that works.. i was bedrest for 15 damn weeks and almost lost her like evryday. I wanna know what is wrong, is my uterus normal are my hormones levels off.. i want them to do everything i am done with being hurt over this. NEXT MONTH IS TWO DAMN YEARSSSSSS since we started trying again... if you don't have ferility problems you don't know the pain.. you feel useless in life and a failure. Its horriable i hate it and i am just FREAKING MAD. i JUST WANT TO EXSPAND MY FAMILY.